Archive for January, 2007

LX – Stop splicing crossbreeds and making cherubs

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007

So the title is totally throwing all of you off. Well, this entry is all about New Years.

At our party this year we had a giant board with a whole bunch of pens for everyone to write there resolutions. Some were funny, some were serious and some were just way the “F” out there (the title of this blog was actually one and falls right smack dab into the last category). I am gonna put them all down here so the whole world knows that if they fail you can point a finger and just laugh.

So sit back, crack a Pabst and have fun laughin your asses off!

Timmy:  Not to be a man whore
Dory:  Mystery & Intrigue . . . and become a crack whore
Denise:  Contentment
Tristin: Stop f**king my mom
Matt C: I want to be the first man to walk on the moon with two cocks (meaning roosters)
Devin: Only go out Thur – Sat, cut back on smoking
Raechel: Go to college, work construction
Nick: Get signed to a label – tour the world
Drew Clark: Get laid . . with a woman
Chris: Start smoking
Scotty: To remember Julia’s name.
Julia: To finish at least one of my books
Lacey Jane: To start a new career path
Jessi: I’m glad I didn’t miss New Years!
Josh: Overthrow Canadian Government
Burt Reynolds: Get haircut twice a year
Jon: Purge your dreams, and wish all to others
Jimmy Stewart: To Live Again!
Megan: I don’t need one . . I’m getting MARRIED!
Josh (again): When the fuck was Burt Reynolds here?!
Katrina Cadillac: Burt Reynolds Fuckin’ Rocks! Oh, and record music.
Julia (actually Scotty): My clit is broke. I’m sad
Matt: Stop smoking, get my life (lung) back.
Crystal: Start painting again
Phil Jones: Get Drew laid

All of these are great and I wish them all luck. There were however some on here that were just not legible and I was not able to put them up here. But I will end with this one last one:

Scotty: Grow Grey Pubes.

This “pouch” is just for you.

Tuesday, January 30th, 2007

So with the millions of readers I have to this site every nano-second I feel I must explain the “girlfriend” thing. I couldn’t think of a better word than situation and that just doesn’t seem to fit so fuck it, I am going with “thing”.

With age comes wisdom. I have become wise, well smarter in my time here on this rock and I have learned many things about many things. Example:

1. The vagina is a self cleaning body part
2. Never put lightbulbs in a microwave
3. With guys you can wipe back to front
4. Family is #1
5. You can go to the Drunk Tank without being charged

As you can tell I have become a volcano of knowledge in my time. Small nuggets of information will just pop out at times and that can make life interesting.

I have also learned a lot from past relationships. And from this moment on in the blog when I say “relationships” I am talking about dating, seeing and being exclusive. Not friendships, cause those are . . . . friendships. Yeah.

With relationships you can learn a lot about yourself and what you are looking for in this world. What you want in a companion. Things that make your heart just wanna beat 1000 bpm and the things that make you wanna find the closest pillow and help rid the world of them, or at least just make them pass out for awhile while you watch 24. Seriously, I wanted to watch it. I didn’t wanna watch MTV’s “Newlyweds”. I am getting off the subject.

To put into words about what I have experienced would take about 6 moleskins and I don’t have that kind of money.

Intermission

Why the hell do I have CREED in my iTunes library? F!

End of Intermission

My friends are always there for me. Thick and thin. However, there are things that I cannot talk with some of them about. Relationships are always a touchy subject and there are times when people don’t wanna hear about you and your girl and how she did this and you said this and then she said something and you said “YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW! WHO BOUGHT YOU THOSE FUCKING NOODLES!?” No one wants to deal with that. However it is nice to know you have that one friend that you can talk to about things that would fall into that category. I am blessed to have a nice group of them.

One of them is this here blog and you. Yeah, you! My readers come to this site to read about my daily happenings, photo of the day, my mental stability (or lack there of sometimes) and of course relationships.

You all have heard me mention her and link to her site. Her name is Denise. meaning “follower of Dionysus”. He was the Greek God of wine. Hmm, wonder is that something that will come in handy with our relationship?

She and I met through a mutual friend, Dan. Dan and Denise had known each other for about 3 years and one day I came home and found a comment on my blog from her and my first thought was “Who the hell is this? Should I allow this comment? Is this spam?! OH LORD HELP ME!?” Dan informed me that she was not a spammer and that she was real and thus began our correspondence of comments, being “friends” on MySpace and then the phone calls. I gave her 6 of the 7 numbers to my cell phone and she called 4 other people in Oregon before she got a hold of me. It was like that from the beginning.

The way society is going these days, more people are meeting online. Yes, there are the exceptions: NBC’s “To Catch a Predator” and of course the tons of weirdos you can meet on Match.com. Jack, you fall into this one. I can proudly say that yes we did meet online, well sort of. Let’s just say that we are not going to ever be on a special taping of Montel Williams.

We have met in person. She is not a “guy-robot” that is going to steal my credit card number and leave me broke and hating Al Gore’s invention. When we first met there was about 5 seconds of uneasiness and then it was gone. Most of the rest of the night was filled with us laughing, driving around listening to Justin Timberlake and touching each other on the shoulder and saying “Hey . . you’re here.” We went on a drive to Jacksonville Florida together and had a blast. She came with me to my niece’s 3rd birthday party and got to meet my sister, her husband, my mom and Eloise. They all loved her and her laugh. Ellie really liked playing the finger game with her. Ellie also liked how Denise couldn’t stop laughing when she was making fart noises on her arm.

We are of course doing the long distance thing. It’s not as bad as we thought it would be. We knew that after New Years things would change and they have. But in my eyes it’s all for the better. She and I have become close.

Our relationship started different from a lot of others that I see popping up. Ours is not based on sex like most of them. We have a verbal communication that is phenomenal when it comes to the way those who live 10 minutes apart have. I can actually talk on the phone with her for hours at a time. Yeah, most of the time it’s nothing but us laughing, talking about “the future”, the move, jobs, school, tails and so forth. I can tell within the first 3 seconds, yeah I beat ya on that one, how she is doing just from her tone and the way she answers.

I know she loves Gummi Bears. Kelly Clarkson makes her wanna just dance and sing. She hates red wine but is okay with white. I know that she is still in a part of her life that is somewhat confusing and she is wondering what is around the next bend but whatever it is she is ready to take it on. I know she hates the word “titties” but yet I still say it to make her laugh a bit. She loves my british accent and it makes her laugh out loud.

Not everything in our relationship is perfect, nothing is. There are things that you have to know about a person. She doesn’t like all the same music as me. My choice in movies is not always the best, according to her. These are not all of the things but some of it is our business and not everything is gonna go into this declaration. Everyone thinks that love will solve everything. Well guess what, it won’t. Love helps but it’s not gonna make everything disappear. You have to work at things in a relationship. She and I are in love but that is not going to be this magic bubble that will protect us from everything bad out there. It will happen, things will happen.

The one thing about her that makes me just feel happy to know is that we can talk. Not just about our days or stuff like that. We talk about us and we are open. Nothing is taboo and nothing is off limits. Open books and both of us are allowed to read.

I will take the good and the bad with her. The bad would be her love for the show House M.D. and how I am going to be subjected to it on a weekly basis. Her nagging that I don’t update my blog enough. The way whenever we drive by St. Mary’s school she always says “Devin went to school there.” Playing Kelly Clarkson at full blast, hurting the speakers. I can take it all. I want to. The good however outweigh the bad. The way she touches my hand when we are driving somewhere. How I can make her smile and laugh so easily. The look she gives me sometimes that just takes my breath away. It’s a look that says a million things but there is only one that I seem to see: I love you.

My hands are tired and I am tired. Denise has opened doors that I thought were sealed from all the pain of the past. She has opened my eyes to a world I thought had left and forgot about me. I so at ease with her that the world around me stops and it’s just us enjoying the “tangibility” of each other. She has taught me what it feels like to love again. And you know what . . . it feels fuckin’ great.

Achy bones and chapped lips

Sunday, January 28th, 2007

With a full weekend in the bag, my body is telling me to get some sleep.  Well, it’s not telling me.  It’s actually screaming and yelling at me but I know it doesn’t mean to yell.  It loves me but wants me to seriously let it get some sleep.

A long Friday night, serious and in depth discussions with a close friend, having a “beef”, 4 a.m. Jack n’ the Box, sleeping late, moving a good friend out of the house, bonfires, riding and learning a clutch on a quad, late night Rumplemintz with new friends, snowboarding and good movie.  Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.  It was a full and action packed 48 hours and now I will retire to get some well needed and deserved rest.

Second thought, I think my body is yelling and DOES mean it.  Sorry, I didn’t mean to work you so hard.

Let’s pitch a tent

Wednesday, January 24th, 2007

“I’ve never been on a proper camping trip. Will you take me camping?”

“Totally. But you better be ready.  You are gonna have to help out though.”

“Horray! Because sometimes, if I have the opportunity to take the easy way out, I will. So please don’t let me.”

“I won’t. If you do . . . we will starve.”

“What if we get MURDERED?! We can’t go camping.”

“It’s just camping. It’s not The Blair Witch Project.”

State of the Union

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2007

As I watched the speech about the shape our country is in (it’s kinda like a rectangle and texas is it’s weird growth on it’s stomach and Florida is it’s penis) I couldn’t help but notice a few things. Here they are in no particular order.

1. Ted Kennedy fell asleep during the speech
2. Hillary didn’t clap once
3. Dick Cheney looked like a wax sculpture
4. I HATE ALL THE CLAPPING!!!!
5. Laura Bush looked AWFUL! (she should be on Go Fug Yourself!)
6. Seeing all those fat cats in one room made realize they don’t give a shit about what WE Americans want.

So yes, I have issues with the government. They think they know what we want! You know what I want?! Here is what I want:

1. A Tail
2. Transporters
3. An iPhone to hold in my tail.

That’s it. Not that much, not that tough to get. Seriously, fuck Social Secuirity. I would feel pretty damn secure with my tail and iPhone. Plus I could transport myself to Florida everyday and visit Denise. That’s what I want.

How about it Congress? Mr. Bush, you listening? Mademe Pelosi, did you get my memo? NO! Didn’t think so. Well, I will send it again and you better follow through.